


Don't Trust God as a Wingman

by thisuserhasleftthechat (justapasserbyhere)



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Humor, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 15:37:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19176292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justapasserbyhere/pseuds/thisuserhasleftthechat
Summary: In order to help move things along with Aziraphale, God gives Crowley a "blessing" that has some adverse consequences.





	Don't Trust God as a Wingman

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic created! This got way longer than originally intended, and was so fun to write! I love writing humorous fics. I hope you all enjoy! <3

It was a night like any other, and Crowley slept soundly. So soundly in fact he was able to dream, and in his dream he saw Aziraphale. He looked away bashfully as Aziraphale pulled him closer, before throwing away the act and kissing his angel until he couldn't breathe.

He was enjoying his time, when he got the nagging feeling someone was watching. He looked around suspiciously, when everything froze in place.

"Is this what you desire?" He heard a distant, female voice asking, and he felt compelled to nod.

"Let me help you," she then said, and Crowley felt a tingling sensation cover his entire body. It made him feel better than he had in ages, and he closed his eyes as he felt like he was floating.

Suddenly it was as if he was being dropped for a very high place, and he shot up from his bed in a very inelegant manor. He looked around frantically as came to, patting up and down his body in fervor.

"What the heaven was that?" He questioned aloud, tingling still working over his skin. If that had been a dream, it'd been an incredibly realistic one.

***

A few days went by, and Crowley had forgotten about the dream. He walked with a swagger in his step as he went to visit Aziraphale. The angel had asked him out to eat and he was meeting him at the bookshop.

He opened the door to the shop and sauntered in once he arrived. Giving a Aziraphale a nod as he walked up to him.

"Crowley!" Aziraphale voiced with a smile as he quickly jumped up from whatever he was doing at his reading desk.

"Mm," Crowley replied, pretending to be uninterested as he leaned against the wall.

"You've come early! You must've been quite famished," Aziraphale prattled on as he wiggled excitedly. Crowley rolled his eyes but couldn't help loving everything about the angel.

"Well, let's go, then!" Aziraphale announced as he set down a book and walked over to Crowley. Crowley scoffed but didn't stop the angel from joining him. Aziraphale went to link their arms, brushing slightly against him, when Crowley dropped to his knees.

"Crowley?!" Aziraphale exclaimed, laying a hand on his back. It only made Crowley fall down further, stifling a moan with his hand as he fled from Aziraphale.

"What's wrong?" The angel asked worriedly, and Crowley only shook his head furiously and backed up further. His face was completely flustered as he continued to cover his mouth, not letting a single sound out.

"You're all red," Crowley vaguely heard Aziraphale rambling, his mind hazy, when Aziraphale touched him again.

"Ah!" He moaned out, and both him and Aziraphale froze in place.

"Crowley?" Aziraphale questioned again, this time quieter.

"I'm- ah- gotta- gotta go," Crowley breathed out not so eloquently, quickly miracling himself away before he could form a coherent thought.

He landed back in his apartment unceremoniously on his bed, and frantically threw off his clothes.

"FUCK!" He yelled as he tried to cool down, but his body felt like it had been ignited. He rolled around uncomfortably, trying to will away thoughts of Aziraphale, but it didn't change a thing.

His body shivered as he remembered the sensations Aziraphale's touch had given him. It'd been more powerful than anything he'd ever felt before. He tried to forget it but it was seared into his memory.

"Aziraphale, fuck," he exclaimed aloud, before finally giving in and pleasuring himself. He imagined his angel pushing him into the bed as he stroked himself, instantly losing it to the slightest fantasy.

"Fuck. Fuck. FUCK," he shouted miserably as he curled into himself, body spent. He had made a promise to himself he'd only ever allow fantasies in his dreams, now he had just pleasured himself as he vividly imagined what Aziraphale would do to him.

He should feel awful, ashamed, yet there was a sick part of his mind that had enjoyed it. There was an even worse part of his mind that wanted more. He smashed his face into the pillow on his bed as he heavily berated himself.

He could never be with Aziraphale like that. His angel just didn't seem to feel the same way, and he'd never put Aziraphale on the spot like that. He was fine with them being just friends,  _ really _ , he was.

He smashed his head further into his pillow as his mind went against those sentiments.

"Fuck…" He moaned one last time, realizing he was truly, inescapably screwed.

***

Later that night Crowley was sleeping again. He tossed around fitfully as dreams about the angel haunted him. His body overheated as Aziraphale carssed him in his fantasies.

"How dreadful of you," Aziraphale voiced as his hand slid down Crowley's body.

"I- ah- I can't help it when it comes to you," Crowley replied, trembling even as the angel looked down at him, disgusted.

He went to continue his dream, when Aziraphale disappeared before him and he was left in solitude. He huffed in disappointment and annoyance, when he felt a presence much like the one in a previous dream.

"Why do you still hesitate?" A female voice asked as he looked around, surprised.

"What do you mean?" He questioned as he continued to search for the person speaking.

"I've made it easier for you, have I not? Why do you still refuse to proceed?" The voice asked, and Crowley stood dumbfounded.

"Wait…" he said after a minute, "Was it YOU who made it so I'd react like  _ that _ ."

"It seemed to be the necessary course of action," the voice responded, and Crowley lost his temper.

"Turn me  _ back _ ," he hissed, throwing his arms out wildly, but the voice merely chuckled.

"You'll return back to normal once you've accomplished what you desire," the voice returned cryptically, "I have to go, very busy and all."

"No! Fuck! Don't leave me like this!" Crowley pleaded as the voice faded away. "You  _ bitch!"  _ He yelled out as he shot up from his dream, upset and confused.

"Damn it," Crowley wailed as he was completely awake, "I can never see Aziraphale again."

***

Two days had passed when Crowley decided that despite his "curse", he couldn't keep away from the angel. Aziraphale had been calling him constantly worrying over him, and he felt it unfair to just disappear from his life. Yes, that was the only reason.

Crowley bit down on his thumb as he went over to visit Aziraphale, leg jittering as this time he waited at the door. He knocked and didn't have to wait long, as Aziraphale excitedly opened the door.

"Crowley!" Aziraphale announced as he saw the demon, reaching out for him. Crowley panicked and shot backwards, tripping on his awkward feet and falling to the ground.

"Morning, Angel," Crowley voiced aloofly, looking up at Aziraphale as he casually sat on the ground.

"Ah, yes- Good morning, Crowley," Aziraphale returned bemusedly, and Crowley got up and brushed himself off.

"Where are we heading?" He asked as the angel stared at him.

"Heading? Yes- ah, there's a new crepery that just opened down the-"

"Sounds great," Crowley interrupted before Aziraphale could finish, turning and walking off down the street.

"That's the wrong way!" Aziraphale called out as he continued to sway forward.

"I'm taking the scenic route," Crowley replied.

***

It had been a perilous walk to the crepery. Many times Aziraphale had gone to grab him as he found something exciting along the way. One time he'd seen a duck with her ducklings happily waddling through the street, and had immediately gone to grab Crowley in his enthusiasm.

Crowley had ducked back and slammed into a wall, staring up at Aziraphale as he was slowly cornered.

"Is everything quite alright?" Aziraphale had asked worriedly.

"Peachy," Crowley had replied.

Throughout their trip there had been many more similar moments, and Crowley was feeling exhausted.

"There it is!" Aziraphale yelled out as he saw the building, going to grab Crowley yet again. This time Crowley wasn't quick enough, and he covered his mouth quickly as Aziraphale latched onto him.

The feeling was instantaneous, pleasure wrapping around his body and filling his entire being as Aziraphale stood there none-the-wiser. His eyes teared up as it only intensified with the angel's continued contact, and he felt his legs give out.

"Crowley!" Aziraphale yelled as he fell into him, and he was on the verge of blacking out. All he could feel was pleasure, even words could no longer escape him. His entire body felt flushed as Aziraphale held him against himself.

"We'll get you some help," Aziraphale was mumbling, and Crowley's body decided to give him back the ability to speak.

"Don't need... help…" he groaned as he drew up until he was right next to Aziraphale's ear, "Need...you…"

"What?" Aziraphale breathed out, body frozen, and Crowley regained his ability to think.

"Oh for FUCK'S SAKE," He yelled, before miracling away and leaving Aziraphale alone and confused.

As he got back to his apartment he conjured random things to throw and destroy as he desperately tried to forget what had just happened. Making his immaculate apartment a complete mess, before crashing down on his bed.

"Damn it all!" He cried out as he threw his pillow to the other side of the room, fingers clawing up his bed as he tried to remember how humans breathed. He continued to destroy everything for a bit longer, when he finally wound down and realized what he'd done.

He sighed as he looked around, before snapping his fingers and righting everything again. He decided he'd leave town, start a new life. Yet he didn't get very far before he heard someone pounding on his door.

"What-" He started to question, when he heard his door burst open.

"Crowley!" He heard Aziraphale yell as the angel scrambled around his apartment. He went to quickly make himself disappear, when Aziraphale reached his bedroom.

"Crowley," Aziraphale repeated, this time in relief. It made Crowley frown as he looked at the worry marring Aziraphale's usually chipper appearance, and he huffed in annoyance.

"Don't look at me like that," he grumbled as he crossed his arms, leg bouncing in annoyance.

"How am I looking at you?" Aziraphale questioned and Crowley fought the urge to bury his face in his hand.

"How  _ can _ you even look at me after what I just did," Crowley muttered to himself instead of answering, and Aziraphale merely cocked his head.

"You only said you needed me, I find that sort of flattering, coming from you-" Aziraphale began before Crowley abruptly cut him off.

"Whatever you're thinking that's not it, Angel," Crowley groaned as he relented and smashed his face into his hand.

"I do admit, you were acting a tad odd when you said it," Aziraphale pondered as Crowley contemplated ending it all. If he remembered correctly, there was a church a few blocks from his place.

"Do I have to spell this out for you?" Crowley snarled as he buried his face now in both of his hands.

"Spell what out?" Aziraphale asked.

"Fuck!" Crowley exclaimed, "The way I meant I needed you wasn't...It wasn't in the way a... _ friend  _ needs someone."

"I don't believe I know what you mean," Aziraphale responded, and Crowley dug his hands into his face.

"Sex. I needed you in a sexual way," Crowley ground out and he looked up from his hands once Aziraphale fell completely silent.

"Ah- yes- ah," he mumbled incoherently as Crowley stared at him, "Sex... right- need in a  _ sexual _ way yes... I've experi- ah! Read about it."

"Have you?" Crowley asked calmly, aloofly. His heart rate was starting to go up again and Aziraphale hadn't even touched him.

"Yes...I- it's a very human thing, the urge to procreate and whatnot," Aziraphale babbled as Crowley eyed him up, "Although sometimes it's just for pleasure- not that I've researched it that extensively! Just ah-"

Aziraphale went silent again and Crowley realized his face was becoming flushed.

"Embarrassed, Angel?" Crowley asked as Aziraphale almost jumped at the question.

"Embarrassed! No! Don't be silly, Crowley! As if I would even  _ think _ about doing such things with you! Heaven knows why you'd want  _ that  _ in the first place-" Aziraphale rambled, giving Crowley time to lean back on his bed.

"Been cursed," he mentioned half-heartedly, hoping Aziraphale would leave it at that.

"Cursed!" Aziraphale exclaimed loudly, "How did this happen! We must do something  _ immediately,  _ Crowley! Before it gets worse! Do you know how to cure it?"

Crowley coughed and mumbled something and Aziraphale looked at him confused.

"What was that?" He questioned as he once again looked worriedly to Crowley.

"The only way to break the curse," Crowley spoke louder, arms covering his face, "Is if we sleep together."

"What an odd curse," Aziraphale stated, head tilting, and Crowley shot up at that.

"That's your response?!" He nearly yelled, "We can never bloody be around each other again and you just think it's  _ odd _ ."

"Oh Crowley, even if you're cursed to want to do... _ sexual _ ... things with me, I'm not going anywhere. We'll figure this out," Aziraphale voiced sincerely as he reached out for Crowley's hand.

"Ah!" Crowley yelped as Aziraphale's hand touched his own, his body immediately catching fire.

"Crowley?" Aziraphale questioned as he looked down at him.

"Physical contact- ah- makes it... worse," Crowley breathed out as he stole his hand back, eyes clenching shut in shame. He kept his eyes closed for several moments, when he felt a hand brush against his arm.

"Ah- what-  _ what are you doing?! _ " Crowley hissed as his eyes shot open, looking accusingly at Aziraphale. The angel quickly moved his hand back, and held it up in surrender.

Silence filled the room, and Crowley tried to mold into the bed in his shame. He had his eyes closed again, but could feel the angel's stare. He finally opened his eyes after several minutes, looking to Aziraphale. The angel was hunched over in embarrassment.

"What?" Crowley asked, knowing nothing good could come of it.

"What if…" Aziraphale voiced quietly, eyes averting from his, "What if we...break the curse."

"If you have any ideas I'd like to know," Crowley scoffed, when his body suddenly went rigid. "Wait... you're not suggesting…" Crowley voiced incredulously.

"You're clearly suffering," Aziraphale replied a little too quickly, "And who  _ knows _ how long it will be until we can find another way out of this!"

"No," Crowley stated obstinately, shaking his head, "This is  _ my _ problem, Angel. I'm not letting you do something you don't want to."

"Mm," Aziraphale responded distantly, and Crowley cocked his head at him.

"What's with the look?" He asked, and Aziraphale looked up nervously.

"What if... _ maybe _ ...I actually- well-" Aziraphale began, slowly turning into a stuttering mess, "What if I've thought about doing  _ that _ with you before."

"What?" Crowley voiced, his mind going completely blank and his heart nearly racing out of his chest, "What did you just say?"

"We've known each other a long time," Aziraphale rambled as Crowley checked to see if he was dead, "And after being together so long it's normal, nay, perhaps even  _ inevitable  _ that you begin to think of your friend in such a way-"

"I lied," Crowley blurted, interrupting Aziraphale as he turned desperately to him, "I have been cursed, but it didn't  _ make _ me want to be with you...I already wanted that."

"Oh, Crowley," Aziraphale said gently, lifting the demon's head up with his hand.

"Fuck, Aziraphale," Crowley replied, grabbing the angel's hand in his own as he leaned up to kiss him. Aziraphale smiled as they broke apart.

"You going to stare at me or ravish me?" Crowley panted as heat overtook his body.

"Can't I do both?" Aziraphale questioned cheekily, and Crowley loved him and hated him for it.

"Please just  _ fuck _ me," he whined, and Aziraphale tutted.

"I prefer to call it  _ making love _ ," he announced, and Crowley rolled his eyes.

"Call it whatever! Just  _ do it _ ." Crowley hissed, and Aziraphale shook his head before miracling away their clothes.

"Really, I'm just trying to create a  _ moment _ ," he grumbled before stopping over Crowley, "What do I do now?"

"Oh for  _ fuck's sake _ ," Crowley groaned.

***

After some trial and error Aziraphale had finally figured out what to do, much to Crowley's pleasure. He was slightly disappointed the curse was going to disappear because it had made everything  _ much more intense _ .

When he had voiced that thought to Aziraphale he had worriedly said, "But it would happen  _ everytime  _ I touch you." To which Crowley replied, "Maybe that wouldn't be so bad." They'd gotten in an argument about it, before calming down and laying in bed together.

"Do you think this was always meant to happen?" Aziraphale asked as Crowley sprawled himself over his chest.

"It's not like this was a part of some greater plan," Crowley replied, before suddenly getting very quiet.

"Crowley?" Aziraphale questioned, but Crowley couldn't hear him over his sudden anger.

"That fucking  _ bitch _ !" He yelled, and from somewhere, distantly, he swore he heard laughing.

**Author's Note:**

> Haha, I really had a great time with this. Crowley and Aziraphale are so fun to write about. I think my new favorite trope is idiots in love. Thank you all so soo much for reading! I appreciate all of you very much! Please comment if you enjoyed! It really makes my day and I respond to every single one! <3 Expect more Good Omens content from me soon! I have a lot of fun ideas!


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